Pride 2021

Pride has become super important to me. I've spent my whole life mostly lost in the closet. I'd peek my head out every so often, but then I'd go back in. When I was younger, I never felt like I fit well into any of the gender or sexuality labels that I knew existed.The cis hetero script society hands us didn't fit me, but neither did the definitions of being lesbian or a trans man, which were the first alternatives I heard about. I'd keep questioning those over and over and keep coming to the same conclusion. I didn't know wtf I was, so I just stuck to the default settings.

Growing up in an extreme patriarchal religion with strict gender roles complicated things a lot. So many of the choices I made were based on the limitations of what I thought was possible within that world. The constant message that masculinity was awesome but femininity was obnoxious and inferior both fed into and clouded the gender dysphoria I didn't know yet that I was feeling. Traditional feminine things often felt uncomfortable or uninteresting to me, so being told they sucked seemed like a benefit me...to a point. I was still labelled a girl and therefore was still subject to those same expectations and rules in the end-- everything you are and everything you do has to revolve around what men find attractive and acceptable. That was like a giant mile high concrete barrier I couldn't get past in order to "just be myself". It can feel impossible to tell where gender dysphoria starts and ends when misogyny is embedded in absolutely everything around you, and its equally hard to find your sexuality when your entire world is ruled by patriarchal heteronormativity.

Somehow, some way, over the years I've worked to dissect things and try to extricate myself from that mess. Sorting through the clutter little by little and finding treasure where I was told there was only trash. Discovering diverse and accepting communities online where people are safe to explore the nuances of their gender and sexuality has been invaluable. Visibility is LIFE SAVING. Its taken time for me to stumble across identities and words that seem to fit me better, like gender non-conforming and non-binary. When I found those, I felt like I'd found home. Sexuality was a bit trickier for me though. Religious patriarchy and purity culture is a traumatic MESS. Even outside of that though, nothing ever felt right. I remember being around all the women in beauty school and the salon and hearing them talk openly about their sexual attraction to men. I thought they were joking until I realized they definitely weren't. I was totally confused and definitely missing something. People have told me I'm obviously a lesbian in denial for almost my entire adult life. Mostly due to the gender non-conforming appearance I think? But every time I listened to bi and lesbian women talk about their sexual attraction to other women, it didn't resonate with me at all either. No matter how much I explored that idea, it just didn't click either. I'd always be left feeling like I must just be defective in some way. All my partners over the years seemed to agree. Both men and women were as frustrated and confused as me. Then recently, I found the asexual community. Suddenly everything made perfect sense. Sexual attraction is just not something I experience. I still find tons of people of all genders beautiful, dreamy. I can feel affectionate toward people I like. Without getting too TMI, I don't have any issues with my hormones or ability to experience pleasure. I can enjoy good sex as much as the next person. I just don't ever see someone and feel a sexual attraction to them. Never have. And that's okay! Finding that piece of the puzzle has made me so much more comfortable with myself.

In the past, I was so scared I would lose everyone I care about if I was honest about myself. I was scared nobody would understand. I was scared nobody would take me seriously or believe me. I was scared nobody would like me anymore. But having communities of people who can actually relate means everything. Seeing them helps me remind myself that I am valid. It can be so hard feeling like there's something wrong with you compared to everyone else. And I really have lost a lot of people I love in my process--partners, family, friends. It hurts and I miss them. It's hard to NOT feel like something is wrong with you when the most important people to you can't accept you. But also a bunch of you have stuck around and loved me all the more!! Some of you don't even know how much I've struggled internally with it all, to you I was always just me no matter what, and always worthy of love! I feel so thankful for all of you who have seen me and accepted me when I couldn't yet.
I don't want to feel like I need to defend and justify my existence anymore, to myself or anyone else. Its hard to erase decades of voices echoing in my head repeating all the criticisms I've heard, but joining together with supportive people to celebrate helps so much. That's why pride means so much to me.

Love,
Your local queer space frog