I have spent much time ruminating about how I might explain why I left the most recent church I was attending. I have tried to start telling the story many times, preparing in my mind what I might say if any of the church members contact me to ask. Nobody has, but I still rehearse in my mind how I would communicate the event. So where do I start?
The church I was attending was a very small Christian and Missionary Alliance church. The head pastor had been one of the assistant pastors of the church I grew up in. There was an average of 30 or less people in regular attendance, many elderly. At first, the pastor expressed some concern about how I might be accepted by the congregation mainly due to my appearance, but he assured me he would speak to everyone and make sure I was welcome.
I fell in love with the church because I loved the preaching. Expository style with lots of historical and cultural context, referring back to the original translation, very rational and educational. I continued attending for over two years.
During that time, I met my boyfriend through friends while I was between work trips. We corresponded via text for several months before getting romantically involved. Within a few months of watching me juggle the stress of single motherhood and my dismal work situation, he was intent on financially providing for me and my daughter so I could stay home if I wanted to. Naturally, not long after, we began to live together. Having a functioning family unit with a steady income was a very welcome relief.
It wasn't my first time committing the dreaded sin of living with a boyfriend, but both times, I felt that God not only understood, but was throwing me a safety line. I didn't flaunt it at church, but wasn't intending to hide it either. Some wording on a Facebook status lead to a conversation with the pastor about it after almost a year. He let me know that the church members had a discussion about it during a meeting (?!) and that everyone agreed that nothing needed to be done unless I applied for official church membership. I felt sort of uncomfortable that I was being discussed without anyone having ever asked me about it, and I expressed and interest in talking with him and the church members about it, but he declined, saying it wasn't necessary because it wasn't any of his business.
Shortly after, my landlord of almost 9 years informed me that he was going to sell the property ASAP. My boyfriend and I began trying to find a home to rent on short notice after depleting our savings on the holidays and a work injury he sustained. Hitting roadblock after roadblock with time running out, stress and frustrations were at an all time high. Ultimately, we made the decision for my boyfriend to stay with a friend temporarily while Cricket and I looked for somewhere to else to stay while we figured everything out. We determined that we would begin couples therapy to help us work through longstanding conflicts we had and help us stay connected through the separation as well.
Pastor contacted me during the week letting me know that I had popped into his head and he felt like he needed to check in on me. That had never happened before, so I thought perhaps God was providing me an opportunity to share what was going on. After relaying the situation, Pastor offered me and my daughter an empty room in his home. He said we would meet in person to go over the details, but that we were definitely welcome to move in with them until we got everything straightened out. I was relieved.
Here began the mess.
After a handful of attempted meetings with Pastor, over two weeks had passed and we had less than a week left before we were supposed to be out of our home. Frustrated with yet another cancellation, I insisted we speak over the phone because I was out of time and couldn't wait any longer. I expected the conversation to be mainly about basic logistics, rules, expectations, boundaries, common courtesy and respect (Would I have my own key or would I need to be let in? Would we be expected to share meals or would I prepare my own meals for myself and my daughter? Would I help pay for utilities or other resources? Etc.) but instead, it seemed to take on a different tone entirely.
He said he needed to go over everything and warn me so that nothing would go badly and ruin our relationship, because he knows himself and that's what would happen.
He started out by telling me that I would be expected to be making progress. Unsure what he meant by that, I asked for clarification, and he answered in a similarly vague way "Now, don't be mis-hearing me, I expect this of anyone, including my own children. I expect you to be making an effort to improve your situation." Again unsure of what that was specifically referring to or how that might apply to me, I asked for clarification. He again repeated that all he asked was that I show effort to make progress. Of course I honestly can't remember the conversation word-for-word chronologically, but after that point, it started to seem glaringly obvious that some grave misunderstandings had been occurring about what my "situation" really was.
He said that he expected me to be working both a day shift while my daughter was in school, and additionally working an evening or overnight shift while he and his wife watched my daughter for me. He said I was required to make progress toward financial independence from my boyfriend. I had been looking for work recently just to have something to do (we didn't need it financially), and I had told him at a previous time that I was choosing not to work evening shifts so that I could be there to make dinner and put my daughter to bed. It was at this time that he stated he assumed that was because my daughter's behavior was so out of control that I had to be there to deal with it. (?!?!) So a sub-requirement would be that he and his wife would do behavior modification training with my daughter while I was away, so they could fix her "behavioral issues" that were preventing me from working. It was incredibly shocking and puzzling to me that was what he had gathered from me saying I was choosing not to work in the evening so I could be there with my daughter. I tried to explain, but he wouldn't give me a chance to speak.
He told me that I need to get my finances straightened out and would be required to go through the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University. I had no issue with taking the classes, but anyone who knows me would find it completely laughable. I am extremely (at times irrationally) strict with my finances and budgeting. At the time of the conversation, I had zero unpaid bills, zero past due accounts, credit score that was steadily rising, and money in savings. He refused my offer to show him my bank accounts and budget to prove that I had no issues in that department, saying again that it wasn't any of his business. (?!?!)
He stated that my daughter would not be welcome in any of the common areas of their home, due to the fact that he stores firearms, there are breakable items, (fair enough), and because they are "quiet people who prefer not to have visitors". No visitors also included not allowing my daughter's father to pick her up for visitation or drop her off at their home.
We would not be allowed to store food at their home. Not in our room (seems fair for pest control reasons) and not in their pantry or refrigerator. He did follow this by saying any food found in our room would be thrown away during inspection (?!?!) and IF we put any food in their pantry or fridge, it would be considered community property and promptly eaten.
He told me I would be held to a personal progress plan with timeline laid out for me by them, making life improvements they determine I require. I found this so humiliating and insulting. At that point, I began crying and trying to explain myself, but he absolutely would not let me speak. He said I needed to get my life together, that I'm not taking responsibility for my poor life decisions, that I'm obviously not trying to succeed and I'm being a burden on others, that I'm being selfish and I owe my daughter a proper upbringing and a proper role model, that I'm acting entitled to other peoples' help because I obviously have no desire to be independent since I'm not trying to take care of myself or my child, told me he won't allow me to be asking them for money and that if my car broke down I can't ask them to buy me a new one or expect them to give me rides everywhere. (?!!!!!! All of that was so bizarre to me, it would never occur to me whatsoever to even DREAM of doing that.)
He said he always taught his children to never get themselves into a position where they need to rely on other people to get their needs met. I confusedly tried to explain that once you have a child, you really can't get by without relying on someone's help, that is the purpose of a family unit, and sometimes things happen that aren't in your control that make it so you need help and support...but he used that to launch into a rant about how everyone in society is interdependent upon one another, but that I'm not pulling my weight or taking responsibility for the choice I made to get myself into this position. He stated that he would not allow himself or his family to become an enabler for someone like myself.
I ended the phone call crying, saying I'd let him know what I was going to do within two days. I spent about an hour afterward sobbing, and told both my boyfriend and my mom what had happened. They were both shocked. I decided I'd contact the pastor to let him know that I wasn't going to accept his offer of a room for us and that I wasn't going to be at church on Sunday.
A few days later, I posted a funny parenting meme on Facebook jokingly complaining about kids asking for drinks of water at bedtime, and Pastor began to leave a barrage of comments telling me that I let my child manipulate and control me, that I need to get it together and parent my child, etc. I left only a brief response reassuring the pastor that just because my child asks every night, that doesn't mean I give in. He however, sent another barrage of messages and got into a verbal altercation with another friend on the post until I deleted it. A similar situation occurred the next day, so I removed him from my friend list. He texted me to make sure everything was okay, and even though I didn't feel ready, I decided to go ahead and attempt to explain why it was not okay.
I tried to be as understanding as possible, stating that I knew he was wanting to be helpful and had good intentions, and that I do believe its completely reasonable to make rules and expectations when allowing someone into your home, so I had no issue with those things. However, during the phone conversation, I felt that there had been a lot of negative assumptions made about me and I didn't feel like his view of my situation was correct, and even if it had, I felt like his method of "help" wasn't very respectful to me as a person. I honestly hadn't realized until that moment how little he actually knew about me and my life. The way he spoke to me about it made me feel horrible and it made me concerned for people in need of help and how it makes them feel to have to accept help under those circumstances. I compared it to the story of The Good Samaritan, feeling as if he had come across the person who was beaten and robbed, he would have said to them "I can offer you help, but you have to know that I'm going to expect you to show that you're making improvements in your life and not putting yourself in the position to be beaten and robbed again, because you need to take responsibility for yourself, you can't just be expecting people to come along and help you like this, you have to consider the burden you're putting on others. I can't enable the obviously poor choices you're making that got you into this position." (which is almost word-for-word what he said to me on the phone) I ended the message by saying I didn't want to have an argument, so I asked that he please not reply immediately, to give me some space and time before replying.
Unfortunately, he did not. He immediately replied back. He accused me of projecting my "bad experiences with other churches" onto our interactions (I'm not even sure what he's referring to there?), said that him requiring me to want better for myself as a condition of being helped is not judgmental or negative in any way, said I was misunderstanding him because I insisted on speaking over the phone instead of waiting until he could find time to meet me in person, and accused me of being judgmental toward him, and stated, quote "if I am going to be judged in this it would be nice if it were accurate."
At that point, I committed myself to not replying. That last line was especially ironic and I wasn't sure how I could possibly reply to any of that. He sent me several more messages, texts, and voicemails over the following weeks saying "I don't know why you're doing this" and "It would be nice if you would reply" and similar things that I ignored, because they all seemed somewhat strange, unprofessional, and still confrontational. Then, my mother began getting messages from him that seemed to get even more bizarre.
Included in them, he made repeated statements that his church is growing, but that he can't bear how much I hurt him, that I obviously have made horrible assumptions about him, misunderstood him, judged him, and have made him out to be the huge bad guy. He said he learned long ago that trying to help people only leads to hurt and the only reason he ever helps people is because that's what God calls his people to do. He said that he had done more for me than he would ever do for even his own children (????) and refuses to continue to try to beg for my attention (?). He stated that he has apologized to me numerous times (?!?? I didn't get a single apology, not even close?) and that he no longer cares to fix this or lose sleep over someone who doesn't deserve it (ouch?). He went on about how upset he was, that I ruined the birth of his granddaughter by upsetting him, that he has already shed too many tears over me to reconcile. When my mom replied calmly asking if he could maybe help to clarify what he thought I might be misunderstanding and tried to offer some mediation, he replied in a bizarre manner again stating that his congregation is growing and that he doesn't like to argue despite popular opinion to the contrary, and then said that he had been asking ME for time and space, and that my mom needed to leave him alone and drop it because it is too painful for him and he is no longer concerned with it. Many vague Facebook status updates later, he seems to have moved on.
All in all, it was a very strange unexpected turn of events, but also looking back, much of his behavior and things he said now seem like warning signs. During those two years, many things occurred that I didn't realize would hold such later significance.
He would often say in front of the church and other people that he'd known me since I was a tiny little girl and that I was like a daughter to him. I was glad he felt so warmly toward me, but the truth was that I really only loosely knew of him for perhaps a year or two when I was early elementary age-- all I remembered about him was that my family didn't like his theology or his personality and that his son seemed to have some behavioral issues. His family moved away and I didn't see him or communicate with him whatsoever until I showed up at this church 20 years later. He knew essentially nothing whatsoever about my life, and never asked about my life, my spiritual journey, nothing.
We had some dinners with his family, he let me borrow his computer once to update my resume, he invited me to bring over laundry once, and his daughter watched my daughter for a few job interviews and doctor appointments.
When I was exhausted trying to get by as a single mom working a manual labor job, he asked if I had considered going to college, so I explained that I had gone to school to be a cosmetologist and was licensed, but I purposefully let my license expire in this state, and that I was not eligible to return to school due to my student loans being in default. He offered to help me pay to re-transfer my cosmetology license to this state, but I declined because I left the industry for a reason, and the hours and low pay starting out would not be helpful to me at that time.
He then asked if I had considered removing my visible tattoos to help me earn more. I said I had considered it, and he offered to help pay for laser removal. I said I knew someone that did it whom I trusted, and I would get pricing and let him know if I needed assistance. After getting the information, I informed him that I didn't need help paying for it, and thanked him for the generous offer. At the time, I was unaware that he had apparently had discussions with other church members about it, and it was unclear if he let them know afterward that I had declined the assistance-- at least some of the members hadn't been informed, because when one of my photos went viral (as they do occasionally when you have a face tattoo) one of the church members commented publicly on it that I was getting it removed and her church was paying for it. I was mortified.
In his messages to my mother, he kept referencing these things over and over again and talking about "all he had done for me", which my mother and I both found very puzzling since there really wasn't anything hugely notable. His incoherence in the messages seemed strange for a person who normally prides himself on writing lengthy academic papers, forming complex logical arguments, etc. It drove me crazy that whenever I tried to provide him with information about myself, he would block me, saying that it was none of his business, and yet I'd find out he and the church members had been forming elaborate conjectures about myself and my life and having meetings to discuss me.
Then there was his constant facebook arguing that lead to at least once weekly vaguebooking about having been deleted by yet another "thin skinned, easily offended" person who just couldn't handle his superior intellect. "Sorry" was obviously not in his vocabulary. He was a staunch libertarian and die hard rational, combined with his strict military background made him lacking in compassion. His reaction was also strangely narcissistic.
After the experience, I was absolutely exhausted of trying to prove myself worthy of people's respect and acceptance, trying to hold up to and defend myself from the scrutiny that comes from my life not resembling the given model of what you're supposed to have if you're doing everything the "right way"...so I decided definitively to not put myself through it anymore. No more church.
I made a lot of realizations about thought processes I was subjecting myself to that were ultimately damaging to me that I learned in church, which I will talk about in later posts.
